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Rambling wonderings…

Sometimes, when all else fails, the only option left is accepting.  Acceptance, accept, accepted, no matter which one you use, it’s an option.  I have accepted things that I cannot change, I am accepting that work is what it is, I can accept that there are people in my life that are forever and those that are just temporary.  However, there are just somethings I know I won’t just accept – being treated unfairly, being neglected, hurt.

One of my challenges is getting my head and heart to stop warring with one another over thoughts and ideas and all those pesky memories that just won’t stay in the past.  I’d love to just say the past is the past and be done with it.  But, for whatever reason, the way I’m wired, I’m not done with it.  Why does the heart go back to that one time, memory, thought?  I’d like my heart to accept what my head has.

But how does the heart accept all these things? When my head says, Okay here we go, this is the way it is, my heart wants to hold on to the past, the old way, the way “we used to do it”, and not move on.  It’s a daily battle sometimes for me.  How do you “move on”?  I’m working on many “tips and tricks” that I’ve been reading about and learning these last few weeks.  The big challenge is moving on from a major experience.  Right now I’m thinking back two years ago, and the life saving surgery I had.  It was also so very life saving.  I am forever thankful to the surgeons, nurses, aides, everyone who helped me those 5 days in the hospital and then during the long recovery.  Today, I’m healthy, able to do all I couldn’t do during my time of unknown and sickness, and yet some days it feels like two minutes ago, not two years.  Like the Carrie Underwood song…”…I’m changed, I’m stronger…I’ve got angels on my side”.  Yep, I know that for sure.  However, that doesn’t always keep the demons at bay – those pesky “what ifs”, what if it comes back, what if something else happens, what if I had done something differently, what if, what if, what if!  Ugh!

I have had the “tough love” talk with a dear friend, who gently but firmly told me that the cancer is gone, and that I’m okay.  That it’s time to focus on that and not on what could have been.  I’ll always be grateful for that conversation.

Questions, questions, questions, too.  Those are just rolling through my head about so many things.  Curse of the sensitive, introvert-ish, creative, emphatic person that I am. Also, I understand, because I’m a Capricorn that’s what we do!  Oh to turn off the brain and close all those tabs that are open.  Why? What? Huh? Need to do this/that/whatever!

This year is a year of accepting, moving on, working on those dreams that have been dormant for a long time.  The stirrings in my creative soul are getting louder and making themselves known that it’s TIME!  Time to act, to do, to GO!  So I’ve signed up for an online writing course, am scheduling time for me and what I like to do, saying no and not explaining myself (well, I’m still working on that one).  This is all I’ve got, I’ve got to make the best of it!

Well, this is quite the ramble…but it does feel good to get these thoughts out of my head.

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I miss sleep…

Where did my ability to sleep go?  I believe I can trace it back to just over two years ago when I got sick.  Then there was the surgery, being in hospital for 4 nights, all the tubes and machines making noise, my hospital bed comfortable but being forced to sleep on my back was a challenge.  I think that’s where my ability to sleep went away.  I can count on one hand how many full nights of sleep I’ve had over the past two years.  There is this constant feeling of tiredness, gritty eyes, brain fades, walking into a room and not remembering why I walked in there.  Forgetting basic things…having to concentrate so hard to not forget the important ones.

I’d like my sleep back, please.  If I ask nicely, maybe it will return.  I’ve tried all the “remedies” – melatonin, guided mediation, warm milk, no “blue screen” for an hour or so before bedtime, reading, relaxation techniques.  You name it I’ve tried it.  But it doesn’t work…why???  That’s the million (or today – billion!) dollar question.  I exercise every evening with my dog, walk the two plus miles.  Isn’t that supposed to help?

So what do I do next?  Any recommendations?  Suggestions?  Shall I just knock myself out each evening with meds that make me feel worse in the morning.  Not the way I like to start my day!  I like to wake up slowly, enjoy those moments of quiet before the day begins.

Well, this is my first blog post..